Wednesday, October 03, 2007
When I was in the third grade, my teacher Miss Riddick went around the room and asked all of us what we wanted to be when we grew up. Believe it or not, this was an easy answer for me. When it was my turn, I said simply, "I want to be an artist, like my Dad."
But it is now twenty-six later. Unbeknownst to me, the job I should have said, the job that I have excelled at for nearly ten years, the job that I can do with extreme precision is this....sweeping up stuff off the floor. A janitor.
You know those people you see walking around sports arenas, theme-parks, and the mall, scooping up your crap that you toss on the floor like lowly peasants? The poor soul with the broom and upright dustpan?
I use it so much that I need a freakin' holster for it on my yoga pants. Can we still call them yoga pants when the closest we have gotten to practicing yoga is the downward facing dog pose--and that was naked at 2 am? Hmmmm. I use it so much that one day two weeks ago, I was in a tizzy because I couldn't find the dustpan part.
"Wheeeeeere is my dustpaaaaaaaaan?!!!??!"
I stomped around the house and forced everyone to help me find it. I was starting to break a sweat. That dustpan and broom combo was perfect. Perfect size and height, not too heavy, not too cheap. It could pick up anything. It was almost like this missing appendage that I somehow wasn't born with. If I was a mutant like on X-Men, I would be Dustpan Woman, kinda like Wolverine but instead of knives on my hands, I would have a broom and dustpan. I wouldn't kill you, I would sweep up yo behind! No, no, noooooo, not my beloved broom and dustpan. Where are you?
Solomon said, "Oh, I saw Daddy throw it in the trash because it was all nasty."
So you know what I did, right? I begged the Man to please dig though the big, brown, putrid trashcan that was buzzing with all-day caca diaper stench to please find my missing appendage. I did not care how funky it was. I needed it!! He dug it out. Thank gawwwwd.
It is now safe and sound, just as it should be. Now I can go back to my life's work.