Tuesday, January 05, 2010
2010 and a few revelations...
It kinda sucked butt just like 2008.
This being the first week in, I thought I'd reflect on several things. I won't say I'll resolve to do anything...at this point I'm just reflecting.
I've realized that I have to stop hoping that life will correct itself, that things will change by some fantastical, mystical force of the universe. That I just have to sit here, living life within these four walls, a smile on my face, doing my penance, raising the chil'rens and loving my husband.
I have this sneaking suspicion God expects more than that.
Imagine that. The audacity. Don't I do enough here, God? I selflessly care for six children, I cook everyday, I try my best at educating them, I care for my husband and work at my marriage, I teach, I try to live thriftily, I pray, I worship you, etc. etc. I can continue singing my praises.
But that is not enough.
I feel something, deep in my spirit. I feel like something has to change. Things have went well for the past ten years, I've been happy, I've loved raising my family...but the past two have been really, really hard. Like we've been hitting a brick wall. Or maybe its just been me. Either way, this makes me feel like maybe we should be heading in a different direction with our family.
I read something the other day. It's in the book of Proverbs 29:18. It said, "Where there is no vision, the people perish."
This has been me, completely. My head's been down and my nose to the grindstone so much that I fail to realize that staying home to care for the chil'rens is a privilege, and I've taken it for granted. I've focused on them for so long that it's time to venture out. To effect the world around us.
The vision. I haven't had it. Sure, I think about when the chil'rens are grown, and what kind of people they turn out to be. That is, after all, a mother's life work. But goals, debts we want to settle, places we want to go, things we want to do, people we want to help, doing things to help my family survive financially...this is terrain I haven't wanted to venture across because it makes me scared and I doubt myself.
But again, vision.
If I want things to happen, I have to get out and do them. This may entail being a bit more flexible with being away from home, getting out of my comfort zone. Maybe this will bring some peace to our lives because I'll tell you, it feels like we've been perishing around here. Maybe I can discover what will become of my life after the chil'rens are grown and gone. But for now, I have to have vision for the future, and not be frightened by the prospect.
That, in itself, is extremely frightening to me. But I've already mentioned that, right?
On a lighter note, I also have to figure out how there can be less of me. Literally. It's not good when one of your chil'rens is helping fold laundry and holds up your chonies, his mouth open in amazement.
"Oh em geeeee. These look like they belong to a woolly mammoth!!"
Thanks alot, Diego. I have a feeling life would be easier if I didn't have to lug around so much of me. I would also really appreciate clarity of mind that comes with regular exercise and healthy eating habits.
Lord knows I need clarity of mind.
I also need to figure out how I can supplement my family's income. After Christmas, the dreaded three-letter word came spilling out on the table, foul and ugly.
I was depressed for days, alternating between tears, sleeping, tears, anger, sleeping, more tears. God, how can you have me abandon my post? What will become of the chil'rens? How could I possibly find a job, maintain my home, my marriage, figure out the chil'rens education, etc. etc? Did you forget how many children I have? And who on earth would want to hire a woman whose been out of the workforce for thirteen years?
I mean, just the thought makes me want to hyperventilate. That or hit up my homie for some of her Xanax. But then I have to tell myself that even though I can't see it, can't conceive of it all working out...God-- Jesus--has a plan. He has already gone ahead of me. He'll make it happen. In a way that I couldn't possibly figure out or see unfold.
But I suspect I will stand there in absolute awe.
I usually do.